


On Your Side, Little Ham

by BattyPastel



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Character Death, Gen, Ghost John Laurens, Gun Violence, Hurt, Implied Lams, Major Character Injury, Pain, Sad, Sad Ending, and i want to hurt you, ghost au, i just want to hurt, pain everywhere, stubborn philip
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-12
Updated: 2017-08-12
Packaged: 2018-12-14 12:50:54
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11783517
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BattyPastel/pseuds/BattyPastel
Summary: “Why can’t mommy or daddy see you?”





	On Your Side, Little Ham

Eliza slipped into Alex’s office, “Alexander? There’s a letter for you.”  
“It’s from John Laurens, I’ll read it later” Alex responded, cooly.  
“No,” she grimaced some, as though she knew, “It’s from his father.”  
“His father…? Will you read it?”  
Eliza opened the letter, glancing over it briefly- just as she thought. She began reading aloud, her voice breaking ever so slightly:  
"On Tuesday the 27th, my son was killed in a gunfight against British troops retreating from South Carolina. The war was already over. As you know, John dreamed of emancipating and recruiting 3000 men for the first all-black military regiment. His dream of freedom for these men dies with him."

Stuck between Heaven and Hell.  
Trapped on Earth.  
And he couldn’t communicate with the only person he truly wanted to. 

John watched Alexander work with a sigh. “Heh… You really never take breaks, do you?”, John questioned to which he received absolutely no acknowledgement. Judging by that tearful, yet determined expression, it was clear to the ghost that he never slept, or even intended to, while he wrote. The ghost of his fallen ‘friend’ had already tried to get his attention by calling his name and touching him. Being incorporeal though, he never made any real contact.

Shit.

He’d come all this way for one last goodbye and he couldn’t even give that to him or have it for himself.   
Now he was stuck here. 

The ghost slipped out of the room into the hallway. John simply couldn’t bare to watch him cry and write any longer. Eliza caught his gaze, but he knew from when he entered that she was about as receptive to his presence as her husband.

John decided to explore a bit, coming across Philip’s room.   
“Heh. Hey little man…” he greeted somberly, not expecting anything less than what he’d already experienced. But the ghost was incredibly surprised when the baby locked eyes with him and gurgled cheerfully in response. John trembled a little and dropped at his bedside. “You… You see me?” the baby watched him and even delighted over John’s presence. 

“Haha…” he laughed a little, ectoplasmic tears running down his face as that small chuckle erupted into happy laughter. John stood up and puffed his chest. He lifted an arm, wiping away his own tears with his sleeve. “The world better watch out for you! You’ve got John Laurens on your side, little Ham!” Philip was laughing, too. “Hear that? We’re gonna be pals.” Philip reached up for John and received a cold caress atop his head- to which the baby delighted.

Philip quickly and easily won John over. How could he not fall head over heels for that little baby?

\---

“Hey Johnny?” Philip questioned curiously, “Yeah? What’s up Little Ham?” John had gotten into quite the habit of calling the boy that- Philip never seemed to mind. The child shuffled a little in his seated position, suddenly clamming up some.   
“C’mon, ask away”, he knelt and brushed a stray curl from his face. He’d come a long way from when he had died. John learned that, with a little concentration and practice, he could touch solid things and affect solid matter on a small scale. It wasn’t easy and he’d been making no progress lately.

“Why can’t mommy or daddy see you?” inquired the five year old boy.

John pursed his lips. Instant concern washed over the ghost, Alexander didn’t need to hear his son talking about him. John kept his soft tone, “Have you tried to tell them about me?” in response, the boy clacked his shoes together, “I asked mommy why she never talks to you. But she didn’t even know you were here. She thinks you’re not real.”

Luck seemed to be on John’s side, the kid just knew him as ‘Johnny’ and it wasn’t likely that Eliza knew who he was talking about. 

The concept of death may be… Difficult to explain to a kid this young. It wasn’t his place to even try, anyway. He thought fast, “Well…” he struggled just a bit to think of a proper excuse. Then an idea hit him.

“Heh. I’m busted. You caught me!” Philip blinked, gazing up at the spectre expectantly before he continued, “Philip, I’m your guardian angel,” The boy’s eyes practically sparkled, “An angel?!”, “That’s right! I don’t have my wings yet though because I’ve never watched anyone before. I’m your angel and yours alone,” John grinned at the boy. 

“Wow!!”  
“That’s right! That’s why I’m always watching out for you and hangin’ around. But I didn’t want to stay invisible because… What if you needed me, y’know?”

John ruffled his messy hair, earning a giggle from the small boy.

“But! You can’t talk about me to mommy or daddy…”  
Philip frowned, “What?? Why?” Thankfully, John had a response planned from the moment he thought of the angel lie. “If you do, I may have to go away. And we can’t be friends anymore. See… I’m technically breaking the rules by being your friend.” 

The boy frowned, “That’s a dumb rule…” John laughed and leaned in front of his face to catch his gaze, “It’s dumb, but rules are rules, Little Ham.” Philip pouted to mask a grin. His ‘angel’ always seemed to cheer him up.

“I see a grin!”  
“No~!”  
John poked at his cheeks and then started tickling the little boy, yielding the wonderful sounds of his laughs and giggles.   
“Oh, I definitely see one, now~”  
“Quit it~!”

John gave in and let the boy breathe before hugging him the best he could. “As long as you follow that one rule, you’ll always have me.” John pulled back to poke Philip’s nose. “I love you, Little Ham”, “I love you too, Johnny!”

A call came from the other room- Eliza.   
“Philip! C’mere! It’s time for your lessons!” John let him go, “Go on. You got this.” He didn’t have to say it twice, Philip was running out of the room.

\---

It was difficult to pinpoint when, but at some point Philip had figured out that John was alive at one time. He still tended to favour thinking of the ghost as an angel. John had long settled into the Hamilton household. He never had any reason to venture off really, though he did occasionally. And Philip? Of course he continued to see the ghost into his adult years. 

John no longer bothered following him around, though. He didn’t want to accidentally interrupt the boy’s private time, or see him pick up ladies. But he and Philip were still close, they talked nightly and John was always there to offer his advice.

So he truly was startled when he overheard a loud conversation coming from his still living former boyfriend’s office. “Pops, if you had only heard the shit he said about you!” that sounded like Philip… John couldn’t catch a lot of what he was saying because his still living, young friend had decreased in volume. All he knew was that whatever happened to Philip that day wasn’t good. 

The fallen soldier was nosy. He couldn’t resist creeping in. John slipped between the walls- He wanted to go a bit unnoticed as to not potentially urge Philip to silence himself. It’s happened before where his presence did nothing to help, all it did was make the young poet clam up. He had to take things slow if he wanted to listen in. 

Getting closer, he could hear the two much more clearly. “They don’t exactly cover this in boarding school…”, “Did your friends attempt to negotiate peace?”, Alex questioned, worry lacing his voice. “He refused to apologize! The talks of peace ceased”, the boy huffed in response.

That’s all John needed to hear before his mind was reeling. He knew what this was! “C’mon, Alex… Don’t let your boy do this…” he whispered to himself. Surely, Alex would protect Philip from such a dangerous way to settle a dispute. 

“When the time comes, fire your weapon in the air-” John rubbed over his face with his palm. This situation was getting worse by the minute. The ghost felt himself becoming anxious and the conversation fell away.   
He forced himself to tune back in and heard Alexander say: “Take my guns. Be smart. Make me proud, son.”

John couldn’t take anymore. He slipped back into the safety of Philip’s room and started pacing.  
After a short period of time, Philip moved back into his room where the ghost of his father’s fallen ‘friend’ was. 

“Hey, John,” Philip knew that he wasn’t happy, he could see it on the ghost’s face. “Did you already hear?” The ghost turned on his heel, looking him in the face, “Philip, I can’t let you do this.” Philip puffed up. “Yes, I can! You should’ve heard what he said about my dad! I can’t stand for that, I can’t allow it.”  
“You’re going to let a few criticisms of your father drive you this way?” Philip scowled at the words, “It was far from criticism! It was an attack on the family name!” John grasped Philip’s shoulders the best he could, “Your father has been through worse, I promise. What’s important is not putting yourself at risk-” he was begging.

“And let him just get away with it?”  
“Yes! You’ve never dueled before!” Philip was growing more offended and angry with John with each passing second, “You don’t understand, You can’t just… You could die!”  
Philip suddenly pulled away, snapping at the ghost. “Is that how you died- being careless in a duel!?” John froze. He hadn’t thought of how he’d died in nearly two decades. 

Those words triggered memories that flooded his incorporeal body.   
The pain from the wound.   
The cold.   
The blackness.   
Without realizing it, ectoplasmic tears welling in his eyes, “Philip, please don’t-” Though Philip didn’t give him the chance to respond.

“Don’t talk to me like I’m a child! I’m a man now!” The boy paused, straightening his clothes, “… And I won’t be careless.”

Philip had never taken that tone with him. They’d always been on such good terms… Seeing John cry though made Philip’s chest tighten in pain and his throat strain. However, he couldn’t apologize- this was something he had to do.

“... Philip...” John choked out softly. The ghost wiped at his eyes, but the dark tears continued to roll, “Your father can’t handle it if you fail. Don’t do this to him.” Philip puffed his chest, “My father gave his guns! Therefore he gave his blessing!” Philip was scowling, “John, if you’re not on my side-”  
“I am on your side! I have been since the beginning, don’t you understand?”  
“... It doesn’t feel like it. It feels like you’re against me.”  
“You’ve never been in a fight like this-”  
“And I’m going to succeed. I’m done talking about this, John.”

John was desperate and Philip wasn’t giving in.

Philip managed to pull away from his ghostly guardian just long enough to start on his way to the dueling grounds.  
John caught on quickly to Philip’s escape and urgently followed him, moving as fast as he could. Part of him knew that it couldn’t be stopped, but he had to try. He’d devoted nineteen years to watching over Philip and, truth be told, Philip was all he had. Without Philip, he’d be…  
Alone.

“Three-”  
“Four-”  
He was only a little late to the dueling grounds. Philip and George were taking their paces. In a flash, John was next to Philip. “It’s not too late to turn this around.” 

“Five-”  
He helped chase away the redcoats for multiple reasons. One that he hadn’t particularly acknowledged was so that the future of this nation wouldn’t be settling personal disputes with gunfire.   
“I’ve dueled before!” Philip acknowledged him with a slight glance, while his posture exuded confidence, his eyes didn’t, and John could see it. He had to give him fast advice. “Don’t hold your weapon in the air because there’s no way to know if the man you’re fighting is honorable!” Subtly, the boy shook his head.

“Six-”  
Philip was driven by the urge to see the duel through and make Alexander proud.  
He raised his gun before they even reached ten.  
“Philip! Please!” He gripped the boy’s clothes as best as he could with tight fists, “Let me aim your gun! Your father can’t take another heartbreak!”

“Seven-”

A sudden bang echoed throughout the area and John froze. Philip paused and briefly brought a hand up to feel his clothes that were quickly wetting with blood.   
The pain was intense. He didn’t feel himself going down.  
John tried to hold him up or ease the fall, but Philip fell through him.   
The ghost was shaking as he crumbled after him. Whatever George Eacker or the other men did was immediately out of focus.

“No. No no no no-” John tried petting through his hair, but because he’d long lost his focus, his hand was merely phasing through the thick curls. “Stay with me Little Ham…”, his voice was breaking. Philip looked bad and John felt the boy’s life draining away.  
A terrifying sensation.

Philip spoke in a trembling, hushed voice: “Johnny-”  
“Don’t waste your energy. You’ll be just fine-”  
“You’re crying-” Dark tears were hitting Philip’s cheeks.   
The boy continued, “...Why are you crying?”  
John had no answer.

That’s all the time it took for the doctor to be at Philip’s side, working to save his life.   
“I know I didn’t do what you asked… Are you still on my side…?” Philip questioned, weakly, his own tears starting to spill over the edge of his cheeks. The doctor glanced at the boy and noticed that he wasn’t looking to him for an answer, so he assumed Philip was talking to himself.

John forced a smile through his thick, dark tears.  
“I’ve always been on your side. We’re pals.” John soothed, earning a small smile from the boy.  
“I’m with you to the end.”

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first Hamilton fic!   
> I'm honestly a bit displeased with how I did this came out. I had specific ideas that I was unsure how to transition to and I feel like I didn't give Philip and John enough bonding time (and I was unsure how to, since I mostly wanted to focus on the death thing.   
> But I really wanted to make this a thing, you know??  
> Your constructive criticisms are absolutely welcome!


End file.
